The opening four notes of Michicant play on the speakers of the coffee shop I’m sitting in. I listen for the next nine soft beats to confirm what my ears think they’re hearing because up until this point, I never heard Bon Iver outside the confines of my bedrooms. Confirmed. It’s still gloomy and rainy out as the sun hopelessly tries to rise and I can’t help but reminisce about my seemingly short time in London. The song reminds me of a person (don’t they all) and with it, thoughts, emotions, and memories flood my mind.
Now, if you’re at that point in your life where you're not dating, just having casual sex, this post might not resonate with you and your upcoming endeavors, whenever, wherever, and with whomever they may be (though, I hope it does). But to those of you in pursuit of love, of finding that one person who has the power to make your life that less stressful with just a gaze from across the room, let me be the first to tell you that whatever it is you hope to find, it is out there. You don't have to settle. You shouldn't.
Back when I hung about with an old flame, there were always certain patterns I noticed that I never mentioned until some time had gone by. He’d never let me walk by the road, for instance. Even if we’d cross the street, he’d make sure to walk over to my other side. When I finally asked why, he told me that in the best case scenario, he would be the one getting wet if a car drove through a puddle. Worst case scenario, he’d be the one getting hurt in an accident instead of me. I think I admired him more because he never mentioned it to me (until I asked). He didn’t look for acknowledgment or “brownie points”. It was thoughtful. It was chivalrous.
On another day, he took me to an instrument store so that I could play as many pieces on the piano for however long I’d wanted to. Out of everything this world had to offer, I connected to music the most, and he noted that. This lad wasn’t the soft type, per say. He was a free-spirit, doing whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. He didn’t conform to societal norms. He didn’t feel pressured to pursue any certain profession. He was talented. God, was he talented. And he followed his passions. He was able to find greatness in some of the things we often overlook. I remember the day he showed me a short video clip someone produced and how in awe he was. I mean, I couldn’t help but love the video myself. His zest for life was really something I couldn’t have anticipated.
Things didn’t last and that’s okay. He was one of those people that you simply enjoyed watching exist and for a brief moment, I was a part of his existence. He set the standard high for all other men in my future-- someone who doesn’t let chivalry die, someone who pays attention to the little things, someone who isn’t afraid to live for the memories and not for the money. His voice was also the most angelic thing I had ever heard and both of my roommates can confirm (British and sings? Covers Bon Iver, no less. Made me swoon).
Another memory, not so distant, is of someone who unexpectedly, yet very quickly, began to feel like the perfect mold to my being. Again, this is not a flame that endlessly burned, but it was a flame that burned brightly when it did. I remember the first date, the first kiss, the day I walked through rain and showed up looking like a complete mess and the sweet way he still looked at me, the day I was hungry and he made me chicken nuggets, his birthday. I remember the way he grabbed my hand while we were grocery shopping and danced with me in the aisles. It felt like two individual humans capable of living individual lives but preferring to be together.
Relationships are a lot about words. And yes, they are important and they are necessary. But relationships are also about feelings and being receptive to them. It’s one thing when someone tells you “they’re fine,” but another when you feel that something is not right. It’s one thing when someone tells you you’re beautiful, and another when that someone looks at you for just a few seconds longer after you’ve already closed your eyes, brushes the hair off your face, and pulls you in tighter, as if the embrace will protect you from any and all things in this world.
I guess the expectation I grew to have from this chapter was that the person I would be with had to really like me. Not just the way I looked, not just the way I was on my best days. He wouldn’t even have to like all of me. I may do or believe in things that you don’t like, but you understand that that’s what makes me me. And you want me in my entirety, as the full package, not just the select bits and pieces inside the box. I won’t change for you. I don’t expect you to change for me. There are billions of people in the world and we’re all so different, yet so similar in combinations of ways. If I am 70% of your perfect, don’t pursue me. If I am 95% of your perfect, don’t pursue me. That’s what dating is for. Meet new people. Get to know them. Look for that boy or girl that captivates your mind and eventually steals your heart. Don’t be with me until the better thing comes along. Be with me because I am your 100% in ways you didn’t even know possible. We all deserve to be with someone who admires us for our strengths and our weaknesses, stands by us whether we’ve succeeded or failed, and loves us more and more each day because out of the billions of people on the planet, we are that someone they can’t stand the thought of letting go. Two people can and should be able to stand on their own two feet. They shouldn’t need to depend on the other. They shouldn’t need to stand by the other’s side but they should choose to.